Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Grieving Is Random

Grieving is Random... My second born would have turned 7 on February 1.  Someone might think that February 1 might be the toughest day of the year for me, it's not.  Normally Christmas time is the hardest or when I see a baby or when someone asks me how many kids I have or some sappy commercial or a certain look from the kids or hug from my husband.  My tears and sadness are random.  I know that is normal for someone in my situation and I know that it is hard for others to understand.  Some days are just harder than others...even 7 years later.

Karson Wright Johnson was born into heaven on February 1, 2006.  He weighed 7 lbs. 8 oz.  His cord was tied in a knot.  A very tight knot.  An unknown to anyone knot.  Until he was delivered. 

No signs of any problems until he stopped moving.  Does that make it harder?  Losing a child unexpectedly versus knowing that your child had some illness and was going to die soon after birth?  We never got to "know" him.  Does that make it easier because we didn't get attached?  Did he "look" normal or was something wrong with him?  Would he have been disabled if he had been born before he died because he had lost oxygen?  And my all time favorite...it was meant to happen.  People don't mean to say stupid ass shit, pardon my language, but they do.  I had some people that never even acknowledged the fact that my son died.  Because of that I was more lenient with the stupid comments because at least they were trying.  No one knows what to say, I don't know what to say, nothing someone says makes it easier, it just shows they care.

Last year I wrote all about Karson's death and what I remember.  I know a lot of people don't remember, but for those of you who sent a message to let us know you were thinking of us, it means A LOT.  It makes me feel less lonely.  Because for grieving parents it helps to share our story and know that someone remembers...we have our own angel.  Karson mommy loves you and misses you.

14 comments:

  1. That is so hard to read Brooke. And I definitely don't know the right thing to say, and can be the queen of saying something stupid sometimes... but just know your story touched me today. I can't even imagine that kind of loss.

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  2. I am so sorry for your loss. I will say an extra prayer this evening.

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  3. I am so sorry, Brooke. Unless someone has experienced it, they can't fathom it. I lost a baby at 13 weeks, in between Noah and Eva. I still think about him/her. It doesn't matter that I never got to meet her (I always think of the baby as a girl). I have dreamed about her and wondered about her for much, much longer than I carried her, but it doesn't matter. She was here for a heartbeat and then gone, but she was still here. Still, I cannot begin to imagine the pain you experienced then and now. Thinking about you, girl!

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    1. Thank you! Sorry for your loss. XOXO

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  4. I am so sorry for your loss, and I can only try to imagine the pain of losing a sweet baby as you did. I am one who never knows what to say, but that doesn't mean I don't care. Don't hesitate to talk about Karson with your friends and family; I bet they don't bring him up because they are afraid to cause you pain. They just don't realize that you need to acknowledge and remember him.

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  5. i am so sorry to read of your loss...i cant begin to understand your depths of sadness...but i know what you mean about "stupid ass shit" weve struggled for years with infertility and have never been able to have a baby, the pain is so real and so strong sometimes i cant move and if i hear one more time "everything happens for a reason" i think ill lose my mind...i pray God's grace on you and your family

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    1. So sorry Julie!! I know that MAYBE "everything happens for a reason" but people who say that to us have not experienced our saddness! Brooke

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  6. My heart breaks for you Brooke. I can't imagine losing a child! I'm sorry. I lost my mom to brain cancer in five short months. It all happened so fast and out of the blue. I know what you mean about grieving is random. It hits me out of nowhere the smallest thing like seeing a mom and daughter out shopping together, something she bought for me, the last thing she bought for my birthsay was a subscription to the magazine country sampler. When it ran out I felt hollow and lost not getting it but don't have the heart to buy it either. Weird I know! Sorry to ramble. I don't think it get easier with time. Hugs! Traci

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    1. Sorry to hear about your mom Traci. XOXO Brooke

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