Grieving is Random... My second born would have turned 7 on February 1. Someone might think that February 1 might be the toughest day of the year for me, it's not. Normally Christmas time is the hardest or when I see a baby or when someone asks me how many kids I have or some sappy commercial or a certain look from the kids or hug from my husband. My tears and sadness are random. I know that is normal for someone in my situation and I know that it is hard for others to understand. Some days are just harder than others...even 7 years later.
Karson Wright Johnson was born into heaven on February 1, 2006. He weighed 7 lbs. 8 oz. His cord was tied in a knot. A very tight knot. An unknown to anyone knot. Until he was delivered.
No signs of any problems until he stopped moving. Does that make it harder? Losing a child unexpectedly versus knowing that your child had some illness and was going to die soon after birth? We never got to "know" him. Does that make it easier because we didn't get attached? Did he "look" normal or was something wrong with him? Would he have been disabled if he had been born before he died because he had lost oxygen? And my all time favorite...it was meant to happen. People don't mean to say stupid ass shit, pardon my language, but they do. I had some people that never even acknowledged the fact that my son died. Because of that I was more lenient with the stupid comments because at least they were trying. No one knows what to say, I don't know what to say, nothing someone says makes it easier, it just shows they care.
Last year I wrote all about Karson's death and what I remember. I know a lot of people don't remember, but for those of you who sent a message to let us know you were thinking of us, it means A LOT. It makes me feel less lonely. Because for grieving parents it helps to share our story and know that someone remembers...we have our own angel. Karson mommy loves you and misses you.